my first

Saya pikir sudah tidak ada lagi yang tersisa. Tapi malam ini, kata-kata begitu mudah saya tumpahkan. Degup jantung entah bagaimana membantu membangunkan rasa keseluruh tubuh saya, sampai ke ujung jari, sampai ke barisan kata ini.
Saya ingat saat ruang itu masih menjadi milik saya, sempurna!

I owned almost nothing of anything and that is why my belongings fitted nicely. Tapi tidak begitu lama, saat saya masih bersandar ditempat yang sama, missing link itu datang menjebak saya. And I began to feel it pressing down on me with the weight of all things going wrong.

Malam itu kita duduk berhadap muka, ditemani cahaya dari layar tv, asap rokok dan segala pikiran mabuk kita. Your eyes searching mine..dan kamu berbisik…
Maaf saya tidak ingat kata katamu, tapi saya tidak lupa senyum bahagia saya.
After that night, the world to me is about contained within our walls, the music we chose, the thick air and the colors of that room. I forgot how life used to be. I forgot to be terrified of how it would be in years to come. Saya bahagia.
Dan suatu hari hujan mulai turun. Memang tidak tiba tiba. Kita sudah melihat mendung hitam yang berjingkat jingkat di belakang kita. Somehow we welcomed the rain. Then all of a sudden, we were up to our thighs in storm water and hatred, and there was no going back. Manytimes we made attempts to go back to dry land, but didn’t look good on either of us.

And tonight I finally realize that the weather had shifted permanently, we had both grown out of each other.
When im finished this, I imagine you were here with a kiss but I don’t pretend to mean it. Now that my heart is pressed between these words, I leave.