pagi buta

march 19th 08
02:10 am

ternyata saya emang butuh udara segar. naek sepeda di pagi buta sambil dengerin the vines - outathatway dan sekampung benang kusut dikepala, terbukti mencegah pembunuhan karakter 'saya'. hwahahahahah....
see...saya akhirnya tertawa, literally of course. padahal tadi rasanya pengen masuk sorga ajah [alias mati dan bermimpi selamanyah]. sepertinya saya harus segera naek sepeda, menelan udara pagi buta lagi. secara benang merah yang baru aja saya tarik dengan segala upaya konyol untuk terulur rapi, sekarang sudah mulai bikin onar dan berubah warna.
rasa 'ditinggalkan' itu masi tersisa dan masih setia mengancam jiwa raga kapan saja. iah, saya ditinggalkan, ditolak tepatnya. entahlah sepertinya kamu sudah bercinta dengan jarak sampai akhirnya kamu lebih memilih berjarak daripada ber'saya'.
awkay, mungkin bukan semua salah kamu. 'mbok jangan dicuekin' sempat terumpat juga dari mulutmu. aduuuwhh...baru dicuekin itungan menit udah segitunya, saya dicuekin itungan hari masi lebih adil ngebalesnya.
huff... maaf kalo attitude 'you get what you give' inih masi saya pelihara. saya melankolis sempurna, ditakdirkan terlahir dengan karakter itu sejadi jadinya. saya hanya merasa kamu ga bener-bener berusaha. if i were you, i would never done such things to you. se-horrible apapun situasinya saya gak akan sanggup biarin kamu sendiri. saya pasti datang, peduli setan bule kalo harus merangkak sekalipun. i really do!! saya ga mau bikin kamu ngerasa dilupain, ditolak, ditinggalin. NO!!
yah...sudahlah....lebih baik lupain semua, semua. jalanan masih sepi dan saya mau naek sepeda lagi.....

im sorry

A short conversation [should I call that a conversation?] with you last night set some thoughts in my head. You said im too much and you’re not enough. You get me wrong on this dear…. I’m not trying to be this much, all im doing is to keep us both fine. Hfff… You just wont read my thought. Don’t you think these ‘every day’s irritation’ could drive us somewhere we found ourself not being able to talk no more? Since everytime we’re trying to figure it out, we’re stumble! I kinda feel sorry for that….. Then I come to this question, why was I feeling sorry anyway? Sorries are only told for bad things that happened on purpose to someone we care about, and i havent done anything bad to you, or have i?

Okay im sorry, I really am… I never meant to be this difficult….. after all, apparently you know me much better than I know myself, even when you speak nothing to me. Perhaps you just need to know that some people may sometimes don’t know how they should love someone.

i wouldnt ask much

I’m getting really tired with these sleepless and smoking things,
while I let my thoughts going anywhere but encouraging…
getting really tired with people asking ‘skripsinya dah kelar?’, ‘kapan lulus?’, ‘kok masi disini?’while I know some of them are not really concerned with it. Tapi, setelah saya dengan angkara murka bertanya pada diri sendiri, mungkin saya akan menanyakan hal yang sama pula kalau saya menjadi mereka. Pyuh.. sure thing that everyone would like to get their graduation as soon, as good as possible. ME TOO! I couldn’t stand the horror where I sit in the same class for almost forever spending my parents money...watching them going to work six days a week and all I can do is raising my hand on under their noses asking for their money. I’ve been doing it for twenty something years...I could not do it even longer...I just could not.

I have a little chance to make them proud...a little chance to give a little something to them... I am longing to give a small gift to my parents for their long struggles to keep their daughter happy and healthy. If I can have one wish this year on my birthday I would want a day in my life where I could stand inside those silly graduation hall, with my mom watching me receiving the trophy and I would feel like having tears in my eyes thinking how proud she is. So, sekaranglah saatnya [harusnya dari kemaren-kemaren!] menyemangati diri sendiri. I will be fine…this is just a temporary situation… there will be times I don't have to bug my nose in campus..and people will realize I finally find something else to do.

God…

I wouldn’t ask you too much

I’ve got much already.

For I’ve got *** [i love you dear].